Over for another year

So that's it for another year. Paper in the bin, turkey gradually being eaten and work calling.

Christmas morning: Kieron would be woken at 6 by me in later years as I'm always excited to see his face and Callums. Jade is usually at her dads until mid-afternoon, so it's just me and the boys. Kieron jumps on Callum to wake him and the boys go into the lounge to see what presents they have. A festoon of paper later, they disappear onto the XBox, leaving me with the glorious wreckage.

Lunch round a decorated table, with Kieron doing the cracker jokes, lopsided paper hat on his head continually falling over his face.Vegetables left, pigs in blankets devoured with requests for more. Sticky toffee pudding as neither of my boys like anything with mincemeat in, slathered in cream.

More presents swopped once Jade gets home, followed by Christmas tv and occasional snoozes before feeding time again. A perfect day.

This year, Callum and I had dinner in front of the tv, waiting for Jade. Always waiting now for Kieron.

Christmas Eve #2

So it's here again. Callum is with me this year by choice. Last year he chose to go to his dad's as he couldn't face being in this house. So I have to cook Christmas dinner.

Normally, Kieron is dipping into the Quality Street, but he always goes for the gold toffee ones. My house must be the only one that doesn't have all the boring ones still languishing at Easter. He stays at home while I go to the cemetery to take my mum and grandparents flowers and I always look at the childrens graves and think "there but for the grace of God, go I" and I am thankful that I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids waiting for me at home.

I always cook the turkey on Christmas eve and the last few years Kieron has given the bird a name. I think it's so that he feels it then becomes part of the family or something equally random. I get asked how many pigs in blankets I'm doing, as I always have to make sure that there are plenty left for tea time. Kieron wanders in and out of the kitchen, filling up on Rocky Road and Millionaires Shortbread, pretzels and similarly healthy foodstuffs.

Christmas music is playing in the kitchen and Kieron and I dance around while I cook, full of festive cheer.

In the evening, we have 'picky' food and chill out in front of the tv. Kieron is subjected to Top of The Pops Christmas number ones while I explain how that was 'real' music and drool over Boy George, much to Kieron's derision.

This year, I'll cook a very small turkey tomorrow, we'll eat in front of the tv as it will be too painful to sit around a half empty table and I'll think "God, where is your grace now?"

Another Christmas

Tonight my daughter has gone into our village for the switching on of the Christmas lights.

Two years ago, I took Kieron as usual and he stroked a reindeer, ate loads of sweets and had a go at ice skating....badly! He kept falling over and stumbled about on the ice while I watched and laughed with the sheer pleasure that only watching a ten year old can bring. Kieron has always enjoyed this outing: there are fairground rides and santa with his sleigh, candy floss and hot dogs and children everywhere. Christmas music reinforcing the reminder that Christmas is fast approaching with all the joy and excitement that it brings.

Earlier today, Jade decorated Kieron's Christmas tree in his bedroom. Normally Kieron does it himself, using up all the odds and ends left over from my manic tree decorating spree. Kieron loves the fact that I fill the house with greenery: a Victorian house that lends itself perfectly to Victorian decorations. Swathes of green and red up the bannisters, wreathes everywhere and trees in every room. So Jade did Kieron's tree in the same way that he always has with baubles thrown at it and all higgledy piggedy. Lights tangled round the branches and Christmas ornaments around the base.

A backdrop of Kieron's shark wall is hardly in keeping but hey......this is a 10 year old's room. Full of treasures and toys that tell a tale of who Kieron is.

A room of memories and other Christmases. A room to cry in.

Another Birthday

It's Jade's 22nd birthday on monday, so tomorrow she and her partner are off to London for a couple of days and then I'm taking her to Latvia on Wednesday for 4 days.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, Kieron loves family birthdays. On Jade's 18th, one o her gifts was a bottle of Britney Spears Fantasy perfume and Kieron decided that he wanted the ribbon from it, to turn into a hair band.

So Jade wanted another bottle this year and it will be bitter sweet and from Callum
Kieron relies on me to get gifts for him and these range from socks to jumpers to make-up for his big sister. He always runs up to Jade with a great big hug for her before thrusting his present at her, calling Callum to join us in watching Jade open everything.
Several years in a row, Jade wanted to go to Lakeside Shopping Centre with her friends as a birthday treat. In 2005 I made the huge mistake of taking Kieron too.
We wandered round and round while Jade wandered off with her friends, getting more and more bored. Kieron was as good as any fed-up 6 year old could be and I kept getting him things to eat, just to ease the monotony. Donuts, ice cream, cakes... he had them all.
We queued up for an hour and a half to see Santa, with Kieron deciding as we reached the end of the queue that maybe he couldn't be bothered to wait any longer. A little gentle persuasion worked and he duly trotted off to get his photo taken and a tacky gift.
When we eventually got home, Kieron made me promise to " never make me go there again please". I promised.
A couple of years later, Kieron threw the photo away: it had been sitting on his bookshelf all that time, getting gradually tattier and tattier as it kept falling down and getting trodden on.
I don't have any other photos of Kieron with Santa and that seems so wrong.

Interview

I'm going for a promotion next week. If I get it then good, if I don't it's no big deal. Yet in happier times, I would have been nervous, excited and had Kieron and the older kids rooting for me. Kieron would be telling me that 'of course you'll get it mum, you're the best' and leaving little good luck notes around the house.

Kieron always celebrated after, whether I got the job or not. I think it's his way of trying to get a takeaway out of me or a visit to a restaurant. When I got offered a promotion just a few days before Kieron's accident, he was the one I discussed it all with as he was the one who would be most affected by it....full time instead of finishing in time for the school run, Kieron would have to walk to school (although he usually did this anyway unless the weather was bad, but now there was no option as I had to leave earlier to travel further to work), less chance of me being able to attend school activities, tea would be later...lots of changes but Kieron agreed to them all.

So I accepted the job and we all celebrated with a chinese takeaway. The day before I started, I went to pick Kieron up from school as I didn't know when I would be able to do it again, however Kieron had other plans and preferred to walk home with his mates as that was 'cooler'.

Kieron wished me luck on my first day and had already mentally spent my pay rise. It was the day before Good Friday so he was at school and excited about the school holidays which were extended for him by a week as we were going on holiday the week he was due to have started the summer term

The Easter weekend came and went in a flurry of chocolate and on the Tuesday I went back to work and Kieron stayed home with Jade and Callum. I came home to a normal house filled with bickering kids and Jade had started to cook tea. Kieron ran down the stairs to throw his arms around me...a perfect end to my work day.

20 minutes later he was gone.

Fancy Dress

All the shops seem to be full of fancy dress ready for Halloween. Kieron loves dressing up anyway and Halloween gives him the perfect excuse, not that he really needs one.

Jade was often in demand in earlier years to help Kieron dress in different outfits or he would need my help to make an Easter bonnet, although this was one task we both struggled with as "boys don't wear those mum". After trial and error on Callum when he was at infant school, I finally hit on the idea of a stove pipe hat with a chicken poking out of the top. That was acceptable.

Callum would dress like a skater: so would Kieron, hauling out his big brother's clothes and prancing round in them. Jades clothes, my clothes, nothing is safe when Kieron decides to have a dress up session. Boxers on his head to make a hat, Callum's old Taekwondo suit to become a Ninja Turtle, Jade's ribbon from a bouquet of flowers to make a headband. Socks as gloves, socks as boobs stuffed in one of my bras, socks as willy warmers (typical boy), bras on his head...you name it, Kieron will find a way of wearing it.

Dressed in his Tunisian outfit, running round the house shouting "marhaba" and "jamal" ( you're welcome and camel). Pirate outfit for dress up day at school, Chelsea kit to be a premier league footballer, a sheep in one Nativity, promoted to Joseph in the next, Callum's old Harry Potter cloak and glasses, which became a Dracula outfit one Halloween, a voice changer mask which Jade and her boyfriend bought for Kieron one Christmas, homemade masks from blanks I brought home from work.

Kieron appeared one day during the summer of 2009 wearing my cowboy hat, wedge sandals and denim jacket. He struck a pose on the stairs, mischief all over his face, getting a huge amount of enjoyment from seeing us all laugh.

Quick change and Kieron's T shirt became a crop top and socks became boobs and Jade started to worry about Kieron's sexuality which made him laugh even more.  But it didn't stop her from taking pictures, with the idea in mind that a little blackmail may be in order in later years when Kieron was bringing girlfriends home. I still have the hat and the jacket. Two more things that will never be thrown away.

               

Proud Mum

Kieron likes drawing: monsters, World of Warcraft figures, willies! He always copies Callum (as usual) and when very young would steal Callum's artwork to try and create a similar likeness.

In 2006, there was an art competition run by our local Homebase which had just moved to a bigger site. The prize was the chance to officially open the store with the Mayor and  Kieron won in his category. I had a phone call from his school while I was at work to tell me he had been chosen and the little monkey hadn't even told me about it! We had to be at the store at 7.30 in the morning and Kieron helped to cut the ribbon, followed by an earnest chat with the Mayor and biscuits and juice in the staffroom. Kieron's picture was of a dog and a tree and was posted in the store for best part of a year.

Every time we drove past or went in the shop, Kieron would say it was his shop. We still call it 'Kieron's Homebase'.

In year 4 Kieron was put on the Gifted and Talented Register for Art and Drama and again for each of the next two years.

Today we heard that Callum had won the national Paperchase Christmas Card competition and his card will be sold globally. As a Graphic Design student, this is a real accomplishment and a recognition of Callum's talent. I just wish that Kieron was here to tease him and to show him how proud of his big brother he is.

Funerals

As I have said in previous posts, Kieron was exceptionally close to my Dad, so when his Grandad died Kieron was devastated. I decided that at less than 4 years old he was too young to go to the funeral. My childminder looked after Kieron then my best friend picked him up and brought him back for 'Grandad's party'. Kieron was loving and concerned throughout and we spoke a lot about his Grandad and I gave Kieron all my Dad's vintage handtools although we agreed that I would look after them until he was older. What I did allow was for Kieron to come on the Dover-Calais ferry with me to throw my Dad's ashes over the side as my Dad was frequently going to France and I knew he wanted his ashes disposed of in this way. I felt that this was a way for Kieron to say Goodbye and he was brilliant. He clutched a single red rose and then threw it in the sea on my command. I also took some of my Dad's first hair cut to Latvia and threw it into a river in Riga as he had been born there. A fact that fascinates Kieron and he is  proud of his mixed heritage.
                 

       
When my mum died, Kieron was even more supportive. A little boy has absolutely no idea of the power he wields when he spontaneously hugs and Kieron did this frequently. Again, I felt that Kieron was too young to go to the funeral as he was only 6 1/2 so he stayed at home with an elderly relative and was present throughout 'Nanny's party'.

Kieron became very aware that he now had no Grandparents as there has been no contact with anyone on his birth father's side since Kieron was 1 year old. We spend many hours talking about Nanny and Grandad, with me telling him anecdotes of how my parents were when I was a child.

I used to hope that I would live to a ripe old age, so that none of my children would still be young and vulnerable when it's my time to go. I didn't like the thought of Kieron as a child going to a funeral.

He did though, didn't he.

Cars

Like most boys, Kieron likes cars. Not just any cars, but the muscle cars on Top Gear: Aston Martin Vantage springs to mind. All the cars Kieron wants are either black, red or silver.

When my dad was still alive and would babysit Kieron, he sat him on his lap in his car and Kieron 'drove' it. He shared his car books with Kieron and when my dad died, I gave Kieron all of my dads books on cars, boats, steam trains and the like. Kieron valued these even though he was too young to have started reading, but he still talked me through the various cars etc in the books. They took pride of place in his room and many of them are still there now.

Early 2010 I decided that my aging Mondeo wouldn't last much longer so I started looking for a replacement.

I decided that I wanted a Puma. I took Jade and Kieron with me when I went to test drive it. We had a bit of a drive to get to the dealer and before we arrived, Kieron was fast asleep, so Jade sat in my car with him while I took the Puma out. I decided against it and was in my car and halfway home before Kieron woke up, demanding to know if we were nearly at the garage as he wanted to see the car.

 I then fell for a yellow Saab convertible, much to the disgust of all the kids. I thought it was gorgeous but Kieron especially was horrified. It was 'gay', it was 'ugly', it was 'YELLOW'!!!

So I reluctantly admitted defeat, without telling him that the boot was too small anyway as throughout summer I carry all the beach stuff in my boot and there was no chance of fitting all our holiday luggage in either.

Kieron also likes BMWs. The fact that Jade's boyfriends really likes them and has had 3 in the time he's been with Jade comes as no surprise. Jade and Mike often took Kieron out with them until Kieron moaned that Mike drives too fast and he doesn't like going over the bumps. As Mike's cars are usually old enough too be classed as classics, they don't have much suspension, so Kieron bumped about on the back seat.

I've still got my old Mondeo and have no intention of replacing it now until it falls apart. It has Kieron's muddy footprints on the back of the front seats and juice stains on the back seats. Fingerprint marks from pictures drawn on the back windows when they're misted up are still there. how can I NOT keep it?

Absent sister

Kieron's big sister is going on holiday tomorrow  with her boyfriend and his family. The first time Jade and Mike went abroad together was to Tunisia in 2008. I was constantly worried about them as Jade is blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful. Perfect for a kidnapping by an Arab Sheikh. Or so Kieron and I convinced ourselves. Kieron kept phoning Jade to make sure she was ok and to tell her that he was missing her. In the end, she text me to tell him to stop as not only was he using all his credit, but she was getting charged too.
We compromised. I rang Jade and Kieron would talk very briefly each night. His excitement and delight at her homecoming was a joy to see. I can't remember what gifts Jade brought back for Kieron, but they would have involved sweets of some description.
In 2009, Jade and Mike went to Paris for her 20th birthday. Yet again Kieron was worried about her. They had to come back a day early as there was a general strike and they were worried that the Eurotunnel would cancel its service, so when I told Kieron after school that day that they were on their way home early, he grinned with delight at the thought of seeing her sooner than expected.
So tomorrow, Kieron will be counting the days until Jade gets back, as will I. Only this time the difference is that instead of coming home to two brothers, Jade will be coming back to one.

Caring

Kieron looks after people: whenever I'm ill, Kieron always asks what he can do to help me to feel better, and that in itself does make me feel less ill.
When his sister had severe trigeminal nerve pain following a filling that was put into the nerve by an idiot of a dentist,Kieron was there for her. He sat on the chair in her bedroom and watched over her and tried to help her while I went out to get her oramorph from our local hospital. She was crying with the pain and still he sat there, totally unfazed by her howls and offered her love and smiles.
When my mum was completely incapacitated by Alzheimer's disease, he visited her in the residential home I had had to place her in and spoke to her as if she was 'normal'. He struggled to understand her illness, but it wasn't until I explained that it was as if her brain was like the hard drive on his Xbox and had crashed, that he was able to grasp the idea of the disease.
Even as a 3 year old, at my parents' home when my dad was still alive, he helped his grandad to carry shopping as he knew my dad had a withered leg and couldn't carry much due to his balance.
If Callum is unwell, Kieron always offers to stay home from school to look after him, although I'm fairly sure that there is an ulterior motive going on with this one.
My aunt, aged 83 at the time, had been to my house one sunday afternoon. As she and my cousin left, my aunt lost her balance on the pavement outside my house and fell, breaking her hip. Kieron to the rescue yet again, bringing out his duvet in his favourite shark cover, to wrap round her as she lay on the pavement waiting for an ambulance.
Illnesses are always punctuated by get well pictures placed near the sleeping invalids and even if I'm not ill, but having a sneaky afternoon nap on the settee, I usually wake up to find gentle hands covering me with a throw to keep me warm, followed by a soft kiss on the cheek or forehead. It's so hard to pretend to be asleep still so that Kieron can tiptoe out of the room, firmly believing that he hasn't disturbed me.
So when my daughter's boyfriend's grandfather was rushed into hospital yesterday, with just a few hours life expectancy left,I told Kieron that he was soon going to have someone else to look after. In my head popped Kieron's voice saying 'well he's sort of another grandad anyway as Mike's like my brother'. Only Kieron can see it quite like that.

Fashion victim

Kieron is a bit of a tart when it comes to clothes. If Callum's got it, then Kieron generally wants it although when choosing clothes he sometimes gets it wrong.
T shirts generally have to have slogans that identify Kieron as a gamer supreme or hint at a little naughtiness. If they're plain, then they must at least have a sports logo. Not just any logo though, they have to be Nike or similar. Ellesse is girlie (for this, read gay) and asics must never be worn as they're a little bit 'skanky'.
Posing is a 'must', whether Kieron is in jeans and hoodie or messing about dressing up as a Tunisian or a pirate. Draped over a chair or balancing precariously on the stairs, Kieron becomes a catwalk model.

Jeans have to be halfway down his butt, although when Kieron was small I would buy jeans with a fake waistband that looked like the top of a pair of boxers. Joggers have to either look like Callum's ones or be his old ones, frequently worn when Kieron was still too small for them, but hey, they were his big brothers and therefore special. Nothing can be worn around his waist as he doesn't like the feel of tightness, so saggy jeans and joggers are a fashion plus for him.
Socks must be black for school or white for trainers, always odd and pulled up properly. Pants must be boxers, although Kieron has such skinny legs that they always flap around the tops of his legs.
Pyjamas are not to be worn except on sleepovers, although dressing gowns are ok as the hoods are perfect for drying his hair in after a bath.
Trainers should have laces rather than velcro because 'that's for little kids', so Kieron knots them, over and over again then expects me to untangle them.
A couple of years ago, Kieron and I went to the sales with his big sister. Not content with trying on clothes in Next, he then demanded to go into the toilets in M&S to change into his new top. He came prancing out of the toilet, all smiles and requests for compliments on how cool he looked.
On Callum's 14th birthday, he got a new shirt....blue with skater-type patterns on it. The very next day I had to go and get Kieron one too.
Yesterday, I went to the sales with Kieron's big sister. We went into Next and M&S and all I could see was that little face smilimg and asking me if he looked good. Kieron has always had the ability to turn everything into a memory. A 'do you remember when' moment. Just as well really.

Post Holiday Blues

So, back from my holiday and I've realised how little washing and unpacking there is to do.
In happier times. there would be sandy trunks and treasures from the beach....when I first took Kieron to Tunisia, we were horrified at all the camel poo on the beach, until I realised that it was a rather strange seaweed that looks exactly like poo and Kieron and I had poo fights on the beach, stashing some in a carrier bag to bring home. Kieron had a camel ride on the beach, led along by his older brother. He sat tall and proud on the back of his latest favourite animal, talking to his new friend and grinning with delight.

Clothes crusty with salt and sticky with ice cream. An outfit identical to a traditional Tunisian one, of which I sadly don't have a photo, was a particular favourite and was used for a dressing up day at school. Camel mugs and assorted bits of valuable rubbish, cluttering up the luggage and needing to be found pride of place in Kieron's room. Singing and dancing cuddly camels and dried out scorpions, snakes and beetles.
Piles of washing and ironing waiting to be done as soon as possible and chatter about our adventures together. A smattering of Arabic to show off with...shokran, min fadlek, asslema. A little boy intent on allowing the world to discover him, rather than the other way round.
Today the unpacking is finished, the washing done and put away. A house of memories of other holidays when Kieron could be invincible and always here. Tales to tell back at school and treasure to take in to show his friends. Now...emptiness.

Travelling

I'm going to Cyprus on Saturday for a week and instead of bouncing about with excitement all I notice is the stuff I won't be packing.
April 2009 I took all the kids away for our first family holiday. We went to Tunisia and Kieron was more excited about seeing camels than anything else. Shopping for clothes became part of the overall thrill, with Kieron needing new trunks, t shirts and shorts, as well as colouring books and pens for on the plane and a couple of carefully chosen Nintendo DS games.
Lists were everywhere, with sun block, Dioralite, Imodium, Calpol, plasters and antiseptic sprays taking precedence. Kieron was in charge of his backpack with the necessary plane supplies, as well as tugging along a small suitcase and tripping everyone up.
Leaving home in the early hours of the morning, whispering so that we didn't wake the neighbours and driving to Gatwick. Kieron getting bored and tired of queuing to check in, irritating his brother with his silliness. Jade's boyfriend taking Kieron off to the toilets in case he got lost and sharing car magazines with both boys. Spending a fortune on sweets in departures and trying to keep Kieron occupied or encouraging him to go to sleep so that we could have 5 minutes peace.
Getting on the plane and watching Kieron's face as the plane took off and stopping him and Callum squabbling out of boredom. Seeing Tunisia for the first time and looking forward to giving my kids a great holiday, was all I wanted for them, even though I was worn out by the time we arrived.
It sounds too stressful to be enjoyable but how I wish I was packing Calpol, computer games and colouring books this time.

Influential Male

One of the topics my therapist and I keep coming back to is my older son's lack of an influential male. Although he loves his dad they have very little in common and Callum isn't overly close to him so Kieron became his 'Influential Male'.

How can a little boy 5 years younger be so influential? It's easy really. Everything Callum was interested in Kieron copied: from skateboarding aged 4 to Top Gear, WWE to the Simpsons, Sponge Bob to The Lost Prophets. If Callum did it, liked it, disliked it, Kieron followed suit. So Callum was always aware that he has a younger brother who hero-worships him and follows his example in everything. Kieron's shark and dinosaur fascination was started by his big brother as was his interest in cricket and pool. If Callum said it was cool then it was. No questions asked. 

They were the best of friends when they were younger, Kieron accompanying Callum on visits to friends houses and football or cricket in the park. Kieron's friends mixing with Callum and Callum's friends looking out for Kieron whenever he tagged along. Kieron cheering Callum up if he had been told off and teasing him out of a bad mood.

During the last couple of years, Callum earned his pocket money by baby sitting during school holidays when I was at work and by the occasional school run if I couldn't get away from work in time. Gradually, they appeared to grow apart, but in reality, it was Kieron becoming more independent and increasing his social circle and own responsibilities. Also, Callum was allowed out later in the evenings, as befits a 15 year old, chasing girls.

So who do you turn to when your fan base has gone (as even some of Kieron's friends looked up to Callum), your irritating little brother no longer irritates and your perceived position in the family changes from older brother and middle child to little brother and youngest child (although I keep telling him he will always be older brother and middle child)?

No-one. Because the missing person is completely and irrevocably irreplaceable. He is Kieron.

Prize Giving

20th July is the year 6 prize giving at Kieron's school. It's only held for the year 6 kids as a goodbye event before they all go to their various secondary schools. I donate a book every year now and the prize is for the most environmentally aware child and it was instigated last year in recognition of Kieron's love of nature.

Kieron's passion with nature began when he was a toddler as everything Callum did, Kieron had to do too. Callum was into dinosaurs and sharks so Kieron copied. However, Kieron's interest evolved to include any living creature, from alligators to ants, lions to ladybirds. I became used to drilling holes in jar lids and helping Kieron to collect leaves and grass to make a habitat for woodlice which then lived in his room for a little while. Butterflies were chased, rather unsuccessfully and ladybirds told to fly away home as their house was on on fire and their children alone.

Later on Kieron would take bugs to school in the sleeves of his school fleece and aged 9 he got into a fight when a slow worm he put in the shade was then put in blazing sunlight by another boy. 

Often in the evenings, we sit and watch TV programmes about the natural world, one of our favourites being about the breed of apes with sticky butts. Underwater programmes are recorded to be watched again and again and the Richard Attenborough dinosaur series were bought on DVD.

We giggle at scenes of mating animals and I try to explain why camera men don't try to stop predatory animals from killing cute, fluffy baby ones. Sounds of "aaahhh" reverberate as mother animals nurse their young and Kieron pretends to be a baby tiger/bear/chipmunk to get extra cuddles. Animal sounds and movements are copied and Kieron rubs his head on me and pats me with a paw.

Animal and nature books adorn the shelves in Kieron's room, with shark books in pride of place, so today I took a book on mammals to his school ready for this years awards. And I hated doing it.

A beach kind of day

Today should have been a day on the beach. I could and no doubt will, write a lot about beach days.
Living so close to the beach, the kids and I have always been beach bums through the summer, so Kieron just slotted in to that life style. Unlike his siblings, Kieron loved sand from a very early age. Jade wasn't too keen at first on sitting on and playing in sand and Callum hated the feel of it to the extent that I could have plonked him on a towel and known that he wouldn't move off it. Kieron on the other hand learnt the first day that sand isn't edible, hurts if it gets in his eyes and is great to throw around.
Shell hunts, clambering over rocks and splashing through rock pools before investigating baby crabs heralded the start of summer. Until Kieron was about 2 1/2 I worked term time only so the end of term for the older ones meant 6 weeks of glorious summer fun. Up early, picnic packed and off to the beach, staying until the day trippers left and the beach was ours. Callum and Kieron would have the beach to themselves and would run around like whirling dervishes until the food ran out or the cafe closed.

Home-time involved running through the house into the garden and getting the hose pipe out to wash off sand before both boys jumped in the bath to get off lolly stickiness and salt.
Sleepy eyed children, glowing from the sun, sand everywhere I looked and a feeling of summer lasting forever.
Each day was a repeat of the last all the time that the sun shone. New friends made daily, castles and moats built at the waters edge. Kieron having his first wee in the sea, pulling down his trunks to do so! Buckets and spades lost and other ones found. Burying each other in the sand and splashing in the sea. Waiting for high tide so that we could swim without climbing over rocks and teaching Kieron to doggy paddle.
When I changed jobs, at first I worked part-time so we could still have as many days as possible on the beach. By then Kieron had started school so some of his friends were always around to play with if Callum wandered off with his mates. It became quite normal to be surrounded by little boys one minute then scanning the shore to make sure Kieron was safe if he wandered off with them.
Even after the new term started, we still went to the beach in the evenings and weekends until summer said goodbye for another year. Body boards, buckets, spades and cricket set all got stored  for the following year. Little did I know when I put everything away in September 2009 that I would never get them out again.

Counting

I'm constantly counting. I suppose in a way I always have. Counting down the months, weeks, days of my pregnancies. Counting down the milestones and the date that they happened. First smile, first laugh, first tooth. The list is endless.
With Kieron, he cheated: he arrived 12 days early which threw my counting out of sync. By the time he was 12 days old, he was due to be born. So in a way I had an extra 12 days with him.
Kieron rolled over early, hardly crawled, was walking round furniture at 8 months and off to explore his world. Kieron climbed anything and everything. Over stair gates, onto wardrobes via clambering onto my bed first, kitchen cupboards and back gates. Still I counted. Only this time I was counting the hours until Kieron's bedtime so that I could relax at last. It didn't happen. Kieron was a voracious feeder, to the extent that he slept in my bed and went for self-service during the night, often not even waking me.
When Kieron was 4 months old, for financial reasons, I had to return to work. I counted the hours until I could collect him from either my dad or the child minder. I counted off the miles as I traversed Kent and London daily. I counted off M25 junctions, knowing that as the numbers grew larger, the nearer I was to home.
I counted his scrapes and bruises. I counted his stitches after running into a chair while playing with his older brother. I counted more stitches after he decided to headbutt his brother's scooter. I counted teeth for the tooth fairy and carrots for Rudolph. Eggs for the Easter Bunny and goodie bags for birthday parties.
Tomato seeds for transplanting with Kieron's help. Shells on the beach and flakes in a 99. Foot steps taken on the way to school. Banana cars and minis with associated 'mini pinch, mini punch'.
Christmas cards to write to school friends and presents at Christmas, so each of my children had an equal amount to open. Days until school holidays, days until school term starts. Days until birthdays, Christmas, new schools.
I always held the belief that I would count 18th birthday cards, 21st birthday cards, wedding invitations, birth of grand child cards. I didn't think that I would count children waiting outside the crematorium for their friend. I didn't think that I would count the dozens and dozens of cards and letters sent to me by Kieron's friends. I didn't think that I would count off the days, knowing that with each one that passes I am that much closer to being with Kieron again. But I did and I do. 443.

18 June

It's Kieron's birthday on Saturday, or should I say the anniversary of his birth, as Kieron is forever 10.
I've bought him some new trainers just like his big brother wears so I know they will be perfect.
I keep waiting for a list of desired presents to appear, chosen at length from the latest Argos catalogue or online with websites attached so that I can't possibly get it wrong. Kieron's so trusting in my ability to get the right things, little does he know that I double check with Callum to make sure. Although Callum often asks why Kieron wants a specific game and tries to cajole him into getting something else. Kieron remains steadfast in his choice, knowing that there will always be some birthday money to spend on Callum's suggestion anyway.
Birthday cake is chosen well in advance...football or Simpsons generally the favourite, unlike earlier years when it had to be a caterpillar cake. Party venue has changed over the years, from the usual indoor play areas to ten pin bowling the last two birthdays, followed by McDonalds or the local 'all you can eat' chinese restaurant, complete with chocolate fountain.

Kieron's 8th birthday was a gamble. He wanted a party at home. So I confronted my fears (after all lots of 8 year old boys running amok is scary) and took the kids to the park to play football before loading them up with sugar and all things sticky.
Balloons around the house and birthday banners on the door and we're good to go.
I'll still do banners and cake, but this year, like last year, we'll be releasing the balloons instead.

Snails

My garden seems overrun with snails, even more so than usual. This is where Kieron comes to the rescue. He trots around picking them up and lobbing them over the wall at the back of the garden. He refuses to crush them so settles for the option of re-homing them. However this involves checking no-one is in the garden that backs onto ours prior to throwing them.
I read somewhere that snails and slugs automatically go back to the garden they originated from so Kieron and I discussed the feasibility of painting a few on their shells to see if they ever returned. Luckily I managed to talk him out of it as I had visions of having to patrol the garden, searching for the return of the prodigal snails. At one point we set beer traps, much to Kieron's amusement at the thought of drunk slugs and snails. What neither of us liked was emptying them so we reverted to annoying the neighbours (who we weren't overly keen on anyway).
Sometimes Kieron tries to adopt one, giving it a name and feeding it choice leaves as it slimes its way along the garden path. "Come on darling, come to your Kieron" is his cajoling request. Unfortunately, something always sidetracks him and in his eagerness to eat/ climb on the shed/ go to the ice cream van, Kieron nearly always manages to stand on the snail by accident, thus relegating it to the status of a slug. Apologies are said and off he goes to adopt a different one.
So today, I sprinkled slug pellets and put down grit. I gingerly picked up snails and threw them over the wall and I missed my little boy.

Housework

All 3 of my children have chores to help me out as I work full-time.
 Kieron's jobs are drying up after dinner, hoovering downstairs and mopping the wooden floors weekly.
Kieron often gets out of the drying up as his older brother needs to wash up first and Kieron is often in bed by the time this happens. He's realised that if he can distract his brother long enough, the plates etc dry on the rack and that's one job dodged. When Kieron does dry up, he practically gift wraps individual items in a tea towel then spreads it all over the work top before running out of room.
Washing the floors is quite fun as the mop has a button he presses to send a wee-like stream of water over the floor. This leads to giggles about weeing on the floor and Kieron tries to aim at the cats.
Vacuuming needs to be monitored. Kieron tends to hoover himself, the cats, block the nozzle with stray pieces of Lego and anything else in his path. He also seemed to experience rather adult feelings! Kieron was hoovering in the lounge with the door shut. After he was cleaning for far longer than necessary, I opened the door to see him with a huge grin on his face and his willy stuck up the nozzle!! I collapsed in giggles, Kieron joined in and pranced around the room with the hoover still firmly attached to the front of his boxers. Afterwards, this episode became entrenched in family history as " do you remember when I stuck my willy up the hoover?". Yet another bittersweet memory.

Pregnancy

Reading the blog of a lovely lady who is nearing the end of her pregnancy made me think of mine with Kieron.

Kieron wasn't planned and I was in a very abusive relationship so after much soul searching I decided to terminate. However, when I went to see my GP and asked if the baby would feel anything, she refused to sign the papers. I am so glad she did.

Ignoring the relationship for the purpose of this blog which is about Kieron, not me, the pregnancy plodded on. I had tests for Down's Syndrome due to my age but thankfully got the all clear.

Kieron,even then, was very impatient and decided to be born 12 days early so I drove to the hospital and ended up crawling into the labour suite as I could feel him pressing down and getting lower. I had this vision of him falling out onto the hospital corridor. 1.52am Kieron was delivered onto me to be fed. Weighing 6lb 12 oz and 22cm long, he was the skinniest, hairiest baby I had ever seen. He was beautiful. 

Kieron slept in my bed at the hospital, although the nursing staff weren't happy about it. All my babies slept with me and had milk on demand through the night. Kieron was no exception.

I took Kieron home later that day and turned up at my parents' house to show off their newest grandchild. Jade had insisted that Grandad take her to the cake shop when he collected her and Callum from school so that she could buy her youngest brother a cake. When she realised that we were home already she and Callum became excited then shy alternately.

Jade and Callum though it hilarious that Kieron had so much dark body hair and the name "monkey boy" was chosen and stayed with him through the years. Callum was obsessed with Kieron's ability to wee upwards and asked if he had done the same as a tiny baby. Jade decided to show her experience and superiority in these matters by discussing nappies and wet wipes.

Kieron made our little family complete and taught us all the real meaning of love. Although he is not now physically with us, his legacy is irreplaceable.

Boot fairs

I have been doing a few boot fairs over the last few months. more to fill time at the weekends than anything else. Kieron came to a couple with me when he was little. My closest friend and I would set up the stall, with Kieron in his buggy, waiting for him to get bored and fractious. We would take it in turns to push him around to ease his boredom, with my daughter and my friend's daughter also helping.
Kieron would struggle to get out of his buggy and unfortunately he had the escapology powers of Houdini and always managed to wriggle free of the buggy straps and stand up back to front in the buggy. Bribes were introduced in the shape of a book or small toy to try to get half an hours peace. They didn't work. So back to the car, baby blanket over my shoulder and boob out hoping to get him to sleep with an extra feed.
As Kieron got older, sometimes we wandered round a boot fair, me to collect vintage china, Kieron to collect rubbish. Matchbox cars with missing tyres, Transformers with a missing limb, dinosaurs and jungle animals. As long as it looked unloved, Kieron wanted it. Deals would be done. I would buy the toy, if Kieron would water the garden or do a bit of dusting for me. Diplomacy ruled the day. Kieron always seemed to desire something that looked grubby, germ-laden or just plain junk. Trying to dissuade him without upsetting the stall holder was in itself an art form. Unfortunately this diplomacy didn't quite register with Kieron. If I picked up a 'got to have' piece of china, Kieron always commented along the lines of " not MORE old plates mum".
At today's boot fair, a woman I knew who had a daughter at the same time as I had Kieron came over. I hadn't seen her to speak to in a couple of years. "How's Kieron doing?" was her query. "He died" I said.

Naming Ceremony

I went with my daughter to my best friend's granddaughter's Naming Ceremony yesterday. This was one of those occasions that Kieron always tries to wriggle out of but the prospect of new clothes and loads of cake would sway him. Whenever I take Kieron to a 'function' he clings to me while he checks out the other kids there and becomes a little adult. He shakes hands with the men on being introduced and blushes at the comments from the women. He asks how they are while I beam with pride at his manners and maturity. Jade and Callum usually tease him good-naturedly if they come with us,but Kieron ends up chastising them for not behaving properly.
Kieron likes babies. He thinks they're funny and although Leah was born 2 months too late to meet Kieron, I know he would have been amused by her. Kieron likes making babies laugh, "she likes me doesn't she mum?" joining in with the laughter.
When it's just the two of us, Kieron stays at my side until he's introduced to one of the other boys and gradually decided that it's ok to do his own thing. Yesterday, a couple of lads were playing pool and I thought of other occasions when Kieron would watch and run to take the white ball from the pocket before it could trundle through the pool table. Putting it back into play is always a sure-fire way of breaking the ice and being asked to take part in a game.
The Naming Ceremony itself was hard to get through yesterday. Poems were read and one in particular told of tucking your child up at night with a kiss. Sideways glances at Jade to make sure she was ok while holding in my emotions.
Afterwards there was a buffet. Oh the delights of this type of food to a 10 year old. His favourite sandwiches of tuna mayo, sausage rolls, sticky sausages, chicken goujons (one of the last times he ate these was straight from the fridge, Kieron didn't realise they had to be cooked first but still said they were nice), gateaux, cheesecake, cupcakes. Kieron piles his plate high  with sandwiches and gateau on the same plate, taking a bite of each and not seeing anything wrong with it. Requests for Tango or Appletiser being met, leading to an evening of hyper activity. Slabs of cake to take home to top up the sugar levels before bedtime, generally ending in Kieron sleeping in my bed "because I can't get to sleep". Cuddling up to me and discussing his day and the new friends he's made and talking as if he's known them for years. This was the first function I've attended since last April... I think it's going to be the last too.

Friends

I saw a message from one of Kieron's school friends on Facebook the other day, asking who was going to the beach the following day. The kids and I become real beach bums as soon as the sun's out and Kieron's friends all go to the same part of the beach so the kids have each other for company. They set up cricket and football, laughing at the adult males who suddenly want to join in. Kieron especially allows older kids to join in, trying to get them on his team so that he has a better chance of winning. One Kieron's friends has a grandmother with a beach hut, so they all tend to gravitate in that direction. Suggestions that maybe it's time to go home once the food runs out fall on deaf ears although Kieron is generally quite keen to go to the beach cafe for chips for tea.
On non-beach days, Kieron will ask if he can go to the park about 15 minutes walk from home. Knocking for friends on the way, mobile phone in pocket so that I can check he's ok, Kieron does whatever 10 year old boys do in parks with friends, although I suspect it means football and teasing the girls from school.
Sometimes I get a phone call asking if he can go back to a friends house for a while so I relish the additional peace and quiet until a tornado whirls in all muddy and sticky and sweaty with demands to have a sleepover or someone round to play the following day.
Kieron is probably the most popular kiddie in his school year (gospel according to his head teacher) and this is borne out by the amount of friends who still keep in touch. Just a few days ago, 3 young boys came round to see me. Unfortunately I was at work, but they later told me that they came round to see if I was ok.
On the day of Kieron's funeral, as we arrived at the church, all I could see was a sea of green fleeces there were so many of his school friends present, all in school uniform. They sent me dozens of letters and every single one repeated the same things:always making people laugh, never unhappy, kind, helpful, loves sharks, camels and basketball.

Kieron's friends wanted him to stay as part of their class until the end of the school year so they all wrote about him and stuck it on the classroom wall next to a self portrait Kieron did in art. All the notes were then put in a time capsule and placed in Kieron's garden at his school. These kids have suffered so much at losing him. I guess that says it all.
Kieron's friends are amazing. Kieron is amazing.

Haircuts

Kieron, like most kids, hates having his haircut and he tended to have drawn the short straw as for many years I worked as a hairdresser. When he was tiny, it was a case of waiting until Kieron dozed off on the settee and I would carefully cut one side, roll him over and cut the other side. This method worked well with all 3 of my children but once Kieron decided that the object of his hero worship was his big brother, he started to demand similar hair cuts to Callum.
Sitting on a stool in the kitchen, swathed in a gown that was far too big for him, Kieron would suffer my ministrations. Wriggling constantly to try to scratch his back where hair had slipped down inside the gown, somehow we kept both of his ears intact. Blowing upwards to clear hair from his face then rubbing his eyes and getting hair in them, he still sat and allowed me to continue.
Wedges, grade 4s, spiked fringes, tram-lines, Kieron HAS to copy Callum. Gelled, moussed, tousled, straightened, Kieron outdoes David Beckham in the style stakes.
Ironically, in the summer Kieron prefers his hair longer and as his hair is so thick, sweat drips off him. In the winter Kieron goes for a grade 4 on top, 3 on the back and sides and then complains that his ears are cold! Typical male!
Before leaving for school, Kieron comes in my bedroom while I'm sitting at the dressing table getting ready for work and grabs a comb and hand mirror to inspect every strand of hair from every angle. Sticky hair gel hand prints mark every surface and I have to make sure Kieron's fringe is spiked up and perfectly straight. By the time Kieron comes home from school, the gel had picked up bits from squeezing through bushes on his way to and from school as he cuts through a small park as a shortcut. Little flecks of gel look like dandruff so Kieron floods the bathroom when he goes to wash it all out. Hair gel, mousse, coloured gel and body spray line the mantelpiece in Kieron's room. The air is redolent with Lynx Chocolate and the carpet has mousse blobs sticking the fibres together. Kieron is a teenager before his time. The teenager he will never become.

Easter 2010

Struggling today and writing things down in case in the future I forget what happened on the run up to April 6th 2010.
4th April last year was Easter Sunday. Previous years I've done an Easter egg hunt for the kids in the garden. Jade always joins in although the last couple of years Callum has been 'too old for all that kid stuff'. But Jade and Kieron always shared everything 3 ways anyway. So last year. I suggested it but none of them seemed that interested, so instead I decided to re-paint my lounge.
Kieron and I had been to B&Q the day before to get the paint. I wanted the same colours that were already on the walls as it just needed freshening up. Typically when we got there I couldn't find the right shades. Kieron to the rescue, reading every paint can until he gave a squeal of "I've found it!". Being a gallant young gent, Kieron insisted on carrying the paint, one can in each hand while I tried to banish thoughts of dropped tins, lids off and paint everywhere. As I had just bought him new trainers and he had put them on in the car, I was rightly concerned.
So, back to the painting on Easter Sunday. Kieron helped me to pull out the furniture into the middle of the room. He hoovered under sofas and discovered stray Lego, pencils, biscuits and other mouldy delicacies. Kieron just had to get involved and his presence turned a chore into a pleasure. We had the best Easter Sunday that I could have wished for.It was a fantastic day of love and laughter. Kieron made sure that the cats were kept out of the way so that they didn't get painted too. He kept me supplied with coffee and cuddles and kisses while I worked.. He kept me alive.

Mother's Day

Last year, I was waiting for Mother's Day with some trepidation. I knew that I would be going to the cemetery with flowers and a pot of chrysanthemums for my mum and my nan. I always take a pot of these for my nan on my mum's behalf and I also take a Mother's Day card from me and a nanny one from the children. Last year Kieron signed it for all three of them. I always become tearful at the cemetery and touch the patch of grass where I buried my mum's ashes. It feels warmer than the rest of the grave. Kieron came to the cemetery once, but stayed close by me all the time. He didn't like the huge stone angels and the thought that he was surrounded by hundreds of dead people.
Last year, I woke up and knocked 3 times on the wall behind my bed...my signal to Kieron that I was awake and wanted a cuddle. This was a usual weekend thing anyway and he always shouted out "just a minute" before scampering in and snuggling up.
Last year, my gift from Kieron was a box of Roses chocolates which he had chosen as he likes them too. Knowing without any doubt whatsoever, that he would be eating quite a lot of them.
Last year, Kieron made me coffee and asked if he could do any thing to help me around the house, but I said no and that I was going to have a lazy day.
Last year we got a takeaway for tea and all sat around the table with Jade and I taking the prawns off Callum's and Kieron's plates to eat ourselves. Kieron had his standard fare of special fried rice (prawnless), plain noodles and prawn crackers. The table also had it's standard fare of the same.
This year I woke up and knocked 3 times on the wall behind my bed. And cried.

Gardening

Another warm day today which meant the afternoon in the garden, tidying up. Kieron would usually get involved in one way or the other. At the end of the garden is Kieron's bench where, as I've mentioned before, he sits to play on his DS or PSP out of the sun's glare. That's if he's not sitting on the shed roof. The flagstones underneath the bench were slippery with moss and algae so I got out the pressure washer. This, in Kieron's hands, becomes an AK47 with him killing off the Taliban ( I know...politically incorrect, but hey, this is about Kieron) and shouting "KABOOM!" whenever they are zapped.
Holding branches as I cut them down, begging me to let him have a go. Which I would, although panicking constantly that he'll saw through an artery or a finger. Distracted by dead ladybirds, Kieron gives me a chance to do the more dangerous stuff as he trots off to bury them with a little eulogy and crocodile tears to the sound of a cartoon "boo hoo hoo".
Food beckoning, I can be assured that Kieron will dine on crisp sandwiches and a chocolate bar as I carry on what is now becoming an arduous task.
Kieron usually surprises me with a mug of coffee so we sit on the decking, me with coffee, him with tea and put the world to rights. This stands for "can I have an ice cream off the ice cream man please?".
Sure enough, about 3 o'clock the familiar jingle sounds and Kieron and I try to work out which road parallel to ours the van is and he runs off to get some money out of my purse and sits on the front wall outside, talking to the little girls next door who are on the same mission. Kieron's version of chatting to these girls is designed to show off his superiority as Nicola is 1.5 years younger and Chloe is 6 months younger. Machismo kicks in as he talks of how he's been chopping down trees and shooting an AK47. Unfortunately, Kieron has met his match with tomboy Nicola and she does her own bragging.
Ice cream in hand, saving a little for me, Kieron wanders back in relishing the taste of ice cream eaten with disgustingly dirty hands.
Final job...fill the rubble sacks ready for the tip and Kieron sets to with a will, half falling in them himself. Job done, car loaded, tired but conscious that we've done well, we lock the sheds, Kieron has a final splosh with the hosepipe and we head indoors.
When the ice cream van came past today I wondered if the girls next door were outside waiting and if they were, would the ice cream man ask where their mate was?

Planting

Due to a warm weekend, I've been working in the garden. Last year I was late getting my seeds in as we were due to go on holiday 3 weeks after Easter and I didn't want to burden my neighbour with cats AND seedlings.We didn't go and the seeds didn't get done either. This weekend I bravely sorted out the shed and got started.
Spring 2009, I bought new greenhouse staging which needed assembling. Kieron's fingers are the ideal size to spin the tiny nuts and bolts and we sat on my raised bed: him spinning, me tightening with spanners, chatting through the trellis with my neighbour. Afterwards, Kieron helped me put everything in place in the greenhouse.
Kieron decided to start growing his own plants. I gave him a bulb of garlic and he separated the cloves and pushed them into soil which he'd already put into pots. We labelled and watered them and popped them in the greenhouse.
Courgettes next, to cries of "YUK!!!" and the boredom started to set in. Off Kieron went to sit on the shed roof and he watched me carry on, talking to me all the time. Within a few days, Kieron was asking how his garlic was and when the first shoots appeared he was impressed enough to ask about the courgettes and I had to identify everything else that was starting to grow.

As the tomatoes made their leafy appearance, Kieron's little fingers helped again, by gently lifting out the seedlings with a lolly stick and putting them into individual pots. He learnt how to make holes in the compost with a stick to ease the plants in, gave up and shoved in his finger instead.He watered religiously every night...every inch of grass, every pot of flowers, every vegetable and every pot in the greenhouse. He would ask me to water him and giggled with delight at his 'accidental' soakings. He would turn the hose pipe on his hair and spike it up, knowing that I wouldn't scold him. Windows got soaked as did the chairs and table on the decking and the cats. He hauled the watering can to the end of the garden, sloshing it as he went to water the smaller seedlings, coming indoors with soggy trainers and joggers.
Ladybirds were bathed and drowning spiders rescued. Squelchy puddles appeared on the lawn and the cats became disgruntled.
This weekend, I took no joy in planting. I did it to grow plants for Kieron's patch of garden, around the bench where he sits every summer, out of the glare of the sun reflecting on his PSP. I sowed antirrhinum  as he likes playing with their 'bunny ears' and thought of the silence in my garden. I caressed the greenhouse staging in wonderment that he helped assemble it. I sat on the raised bed and cried.

WOW

I was heading to the supermarket today, driving along the seafront. There were crowds standing and watching beach buggies racing up and down as well as a funfair. It took me back to this time last year when I was doing exactly the same thing.
Lat year, I did the shopping and went home to ask Kieron if he wanted to go and watch. He didn't, which was a bit of a relief as unlike today, it was cold and windy. The reason Kieron didn't want to go was World of Warcraft. Kieron loves WOW (as those in the know call it). He dominates mealtimes with tales of battles fought and won or lost.
Callum introduced him to it as whatever Callum did, Kieron had to copy as he hero worshipped him.
WOW is a game of mystical creatures, played internationally amongst predominantly young males.
 I would monitor Kieron closely. always aware of cyber bullying and grooming, although Kieron constantly reassures me that his 'mates' are cool. So WOW became Kieron's passion. Every spare moment was spent on the computer alternating with Callum for the Xbox and more mystical battles in their realms of fantasy.
Runescape also became one of Kieron's passions, although to a lesser extent and conversations were peppered with tales of his battles and characters. As a mere mortal, these went way over my head and mealtimes had a background rumble of "Kieron, talk about something else, pleeeease".
Kieron discovered that our local game shop sold the figures to go with the game and saved up his pocket money to buy them. He spoke of them as if he personally knew them, although I suppose in a way he did as he spent as much time as I would allow playing WOW. Blood Elf, Arthas, Lich Pin the most powerful force, and many more.
Kieron would draw the characters, often copying old art work of his brother's, endowing these mystical warriors with chain saws for arms and ball and chains whirling around their heads. He used the characters as facebook profile pictures and downloaded 'cheats' to advance his battles. He became extremely proficient at using a computer, with typing skills that would impress a secretary. But Kieron could separate this fantasy world from the real one.
I hope that he is now meeting these characters in his new world. Talking to Orca or whoever his favourite character is today. I hope Kieron is winnng his mystical battles against fierce creatures as I continue to fight against mine.

Mice, frogs and birds

I saw a mouse in my lounge yesterday. I needed Kieron to get rid of it for me. He seems to have an affinity with wildlife and is the regular rescuer of mice, frogs and birds brought in by the cats. He tenderly catches them and mice and frogs are carried to a patch of grass opposite our house, out of reach of our cats who never cross the road. Birds are released into the air with a flourish and a ducking of the head in case they hit him with their wings.
Kieron is used to the sound of "mouse/frog/bird...KIERON!" accompanied by a typically female climbing onto chairs by his sister and me.
He stalks the creature like a cat does and gently pounces and scoops it up. "Kieron's got you darling" he croons before padding outside, usually half-dressed and barefoot.
On one occasion he was helped by Jade's boyfriend who handed him the mouse, which Kieron promptly dropped by accident and he went into a panic that he may have hurt it. With supreme gentleness, he caught it again and carried it to freedom.
Birds are the worst. Kieron knows that I can't bear them so becomes my knight in shining armour, equipped with a tea towel to throw over it.
Autumn 2009, a larger bird than usual was dragged through the cat flap. It broke free and flew up onto a high window in my conservatory. Kieron responded as usual and ran down the stairs in his dressing gown, grabbing a tea towel from me. Standing on a chair and leaning forwarded he threw the towel over the bird which by then had assumed ostrich-like proportions in my head.
Bird caught, he lovingly picked it up cradled in the towel and started wandering around aimlessly with it. "What shall I do with it?" he asked, clearly concerned that the moment he let go he would be attacked.
Kieron was reassured that if he took it outside as usual, it would be so relieved to live to fly another day that it wouldn't turn on him. So a few seconds later he released it without harm.
If we woke in the morning to a casualty, again it's always Kieron who covers the remains with tissues and puts them in a bag, while Jade and I do the squeamish bit.Even if entrails have got stuck to the floor, he valiantly scrapes them up and deals with it all for us.
For a long time after Kieron's accident, the cats stopped bringing in gifts for their pack leader. They knew that he wasn't there. But a few months ago they started again. I hate having to dispose of the mangled remains left behind. Not because I feel sad that they have died, but because Kieron should be running downstairs to do it for me.
Yesterday's mouse was rescued by Jade's boyfriend and carried over to the grass opposite. Where unlike my son, it will live to play another day.

France

Tomorrow I'm going to France for the day with my daughter. The last time Kieron went was January 2009. It was slightly rough so we were all dosed up as I've had many ferry trips with seasick kids. Jade, Kieron and I (Callum was at school) sat in one of the bars with hot chocolate for them and coffee for me.
 Kieron and Jade were in hysterics at the antics of a couple sitting near us and kept suggesting that they "get a room". Although I struggled at first to keep a straight face, Kieron's kissy kissy noises and howls of glee defeated me and I decided that the only way to control Kieron was to spend money on him in the on board sweetshop. After all, what better way to quieten a hyper child than with sugar.However, Kieron being Kieron, he decided on a baguette...with his own money.
Jade's Godparents live in Calais, so we generally paid a visit to them. On this occasion, we were shocked to see Denise, the Godmother had aged. A shrunken, wizened old lady, reminiscent of the crone in Hansel and Gretel greeted us. Kieron was fearful and stayed beside me all the time. Jade and I were sad to see how this lovely, gentle lady had changed since our last visit.
Kieron was polite and subdued, completely unlike himself and clearly pleased to leave.
We went to Cite Europe and dragged Kieron round the shops, although he cheered up when food was mentioned. Off to the food hall and discussions on what to have started...."what's in this?", "would I like that?"
 "I'll have pizza, I think". Before choosing yet another baguette.We struggled to find a seat, so sat at a 2 seater, with Kieron starting off on my lap, deciding he was far too old to stay there, so squatting on the floor. A nice lady at the next table moved her bags and gave up a chair for him with a smile and received a "merci" from Kieron, who was practicing his French most of the day.
Back to the shops and the bargaining began....."can I have this?", "can I have that?".....arghhhhh. Shopping with a 9 year old who knows how to bat those thick dark lashes and smile like a trainee Casanova. Irresistible.

Grandad

Today is my Dad's birthday. He was probably Kieron's best mate. In one of Kieron's school books he had an exercise to do on the best and worst days of his life. Under 'worst day' he wrote "the worst day of my life was when my Grandad died". Kieron was nearly 4 when my Dad died aged 81 and it was only a fluke he wasn't with him at the time.
My Dad babysat all my children but especially enjoyed Kieron's company as by then, my Mum's Alzheimer's was advanced and he always said that Kieron brought life into the house. The night before he died he was due to have Kieron overnight to give me a bit of a break. He rang me that evening saying that he had indigestion and thought it would be better if Kieron didn't come over. Kieron was disappointed but knew that it wouldn't be long before he stayed over again, plus we went to see my parents daily.
The next morning, Dad went out to get food for their cats and died in his car. Kieron would have been with him.
It was hard telling the kids, but Kieron was there with cuddles for us all as always.
One of Kieron's favourite tales is when Dad came to my house to babysit: I had opened an alcopop while getting ready, but left most of it in the bottle. On my return home I was informed that Kieron had fallen asleep suddenly on the settee but Dad had managed to carry him up to bed. No mean feat for a man of 81 with a withered leg, but he did it. "By the way" he said, "I let Kieron finish off your bottle of cherryade, and then he was fast asleep".
Kieron always laughs at this...he tells the tale with the opening sentence of "do you remember when I was 3 and Grandad got me drunk?" and giggles with delight.
They were two rogues, ganging up on me with fiendish pleasure. It was great.

Penny Sweets

Our local sweet shop is called "Edwards" but all the kids call it "Teds" so naturally I've become accustomed over the years to requests to go to Teds.
When Kieron's big sister was little, penny sweets were.....penny sweets. When Kieron's big brother was little, they were often 2 penny sweets. With Kieron they were 5p sweets. Pocket money meant a sugar-filled hour of gelatine and colourings and delightful stickiness.
When Kieron was younger, Jade sometimes took him to spend his pocket money and as Callum got older, he was occasionally entrusted with the responsibility of getting Kieron across the traffic lights...wait for the green man...and going to Teds.
Going into Teds is a cornucopia of deliciousness. Sweets are arranged in plastic tubs with tiny, child-size tongs to pick up the sweets and put into a bag. Kieron has this down to a fine art....pick up the tongs but stuff the sweets in the bag with your fingers, adding up as he goes along. Kieron's dinner lady works there sometimes and always asks him to save her a sweet and take it into school for her. And he does. Not just a little sweet either, but a 10p one.
Once Kieron was deemed trustworthy enough to go to the shop on his own, I followed him the first couple of times. He climbed on the wall alongside the library, jumping over stray shrubs that were in the way, before leaping off the wall and running up to the traffic lights. My heart in my mouth, I held back out of sight, watching him press the button and wait for the green man, before crossing to the middle of the road and repeating the task. OK, he was across safely. Now just a little side road, a railway bridge and another road to negotiate to reach his personal nirvana. and he did it.
Curiously enough, he turned round in the sweet shop to see me standing there with the excuse that I thought I would " pop out for some sweets for me too". "I'll get them mum...what do you want?".Then the walk back home, red and yellow rubbery snakes crammed into his mouth, discussing the finer things in life such as which sweet to eat next and would I like to try one.
After proving himself on the expedition, he was eventually allowed to go on his own without me following along like an extra from a cheap spy film, but I always put a piece of paper in Kieron's pocket with his name , address and phone number on it, in case there was an accident. It was my dread that one day there would be a knock on the door with someone standing there telling me that Kieron had been run over. Run over, died at home, no more sweets for us.

Trees

I've just returned from a city break with an old friend. While we were away I saw a Kieron tree. A tree that was perfectly formed for a little boy to climb, with  branches that were evenly spaced and sturdy and very inviting for a boy to climb and conquer.

Kieron climbs trees...and fences...and cliffs...and anything else that's in his path. After an initial surge onto the first couple of branches, he pauses to plot his path through the tree to maximise his chances of success. Any bugs he meets en route are subjected to a brief investigation followed by a lift onto a higher branch via Kieron's sleeve or any other place he decides to tuck them. My constant admonishments of 'be careful' are regarded with laughter. After all, Kieron's a brave explorer who is more than capable of climbing this tree. 

My neck aching from looking up and my heart beating too fast as I ready myself to catch him when he falls, I usually decide to join in and climb the tree too. And get stuck. And have to get rescued by Kieron the Superhero. Who then decides to tell everyone he sees for the rest of the day that his mum 'is a girl' who can't climb trees.

When Kieron was about 6, he went to my aunt's after school. My aunt lives in a cottage tied to a residential home with beautiful, manicured gardens. These landscaped lawns have trees that were just crying out to Kieron to climb them but unfortunately tree-climbing wasn't allowed. So my aunt kept watch as Kieron disappeared up into the leafy branches, ready to distract any of the gardeners who might wander along and see him. The minor fact that Kieron was clambering up the tree in his school uniform was disregarded along with the new scuffs on his school shoes. And that is how it should be. Little boys, trees and mud...perfect.

My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. Last year I came home from work and was greeted as I walked down the road by my daughter who was jumping up and down wanting me to hurry up.
The kids had put Jade's old birthday banners on the front door and Kieron had gone for a home-made version.
All up the sides of the stairs were sheet after sheet of printed paper with a letter on each spelling 'happy birthday'. He had used up the ink cartridge in the printer and had resorted to felt tip pens to finish it off. He was mildly apologetic at using all the ink but knew that I was so pleased that he'd made a banner for me.
In the kitchen sat a chocolate cake that Jade had made me. It hadn't turned out as well as she hoped and Kieron kept teasing her about it. Something about poo comes to mind.
Kieron started to keep a journal and I know he won't mind me sharing his entry for that day:

February 2nd
Mums B-day! I have been working on a banner only took 30 mins though I also thought how I keep on forgetting about doing diary entries.
We made a B-day cake, it was meant to be chocolate tart but after 6 hours it still hadn't set. It was really mushy (ugh)!

That mushy tart was yummy and sticky and made with love.

Birthday treats were often takeaways. So chinese it was. Kieron digging prawns out of the rice and throwing them on my plate or Jade's. Anything remotely resembling a vegetable garnished the edge of his bowl and prawn cracker crumbs littered the table.

Jade was in charge of choosing my birthday present, after a secret consultation with me. So last year the boys gave me a boyfriend cardigan. I'm nervous of wearing it now in case I damage it.

We had chinese last night and chocolate cake. I took a slice up to Kieron's room and sat on his bed. At least I'm getting older.

Brother

"Brother's week: If you have a brother who has made you laugh, punched you, stuck up for you, drove you crazy, annoyed you to no end, hugged you, watched you succeed, saw you fail, picked you back up, cheered you on, made you strong and is someone who has made you very proud to have in your life."
My daughter posted this today on her Facebook page about Kieron. It is just like him.
Kieron has a wicked sense of humour and always seems to know when someone needs cheering up. A favourite  tactic of his is to walk round with his boxers pulled right up to his chest, with his bottom hanging out. His pants are always too big anyway as he's so skinny, so the sight of these scrawny little legs sticking out of his boxers is guaranteed to make us laugh.
If Jade comes home upset about anything, he squares up and demands to know who has upset her so that he can go and sort it out for her.....yeah right!!
If anyone feels unwell, it's Doctor Kieron to the rescue with throws to tuck round us and drinks as required (or not as the case may be). He sits and strokes foreheads and sings lullabyes, although he tends to make them up to  tunes from a rock band. He lets us lie on the settee, with our feet in his lap while he does 'a spa'. This came about after I went for a spa day and told him how nice the pedicure was.So we get a foot rub.
Kieron gets hyper and annoying then suddenly apologises with hugs and kisses and sometimes 'sorry' notes pushed under a door or turned into a paper aeroplane and launched into the room.
Kieron is a little brother and a best friend. He is Kieron.

Sticky bits

I'm having a new kitchen floor laid in a couple of weeks, so now's the time to re-paint the kitchen. Last time, Kieron was on hand asking to help.....hmmm, little boys and emulsion...that's a bit scary.
Although I'm keeping the same colour, it's going to be hard because in several places are bits of lime marmalade. Kieron ate lots of lime marmalade, although I was generally under instruction to avoid putting the lumpy bits on his toast, so even though I was careful about digging out the zest, once Kieron finished his toast there would be a sticky edging of lime zest round the edge where I'd missed bits.
Kieron's knowledge of lime marmalade was quite impressive...it had to be Roses, no other one was the same. Curiously enough, with each pregnancy I've eaten lime marmalade on toast for breakfast. I don't normally eat in the mornings but when pregnant I did.
As Kieron got older, he made his own breakfast. It was always cereal, porridge or toast. With lime marmalade. And lots of bits round the edge of his plate.
Any bits that got stuck on his fingers ended up being flicked off, with total disinterest in where they landed. Hence I've found some on my under-stairs cupboard door, above my kitchen door, above his brother's bedroom door.....and they are still there. I can't bring myself to remove these still-sticky nuggets of Kieron's past breakfasts. So I need to paint round them. Very carefully.

There are Kieron's fingerprints round the light switches, how they got there I don't know. Kieron's idea of putting a light on was to whack the switch with the flat of his hand. But these fingerprints are part of Kieron. A little boy who was always grubby because there was always something new to explore...a shed to climb on, a fence to scale, jam to flick. So I will have a freshly painted kitchen with sticky, grubby bits...Kieron's sticky, grubby bits.

Sharks

Kieron loves sharks...great whites, sand tigers, hammerheads, basking, nurse sharks....you name them, he can tell you all about them. Their natural habitat, what they eat, how big they grow.....

A couple of years ago I redecorated Kieron's room with a shark theme. I found an online company that had a wallpaper mural of sharks and although I'm lousy at wallpapering, I set to with a will. The result isn't perfect, but Kieron was so proud of his room. We put up posters and other sharky things and he couldn't wait to have friends round to show off his own 'natural habitat'.
Part of the mural has a mermaid on it with rather large boobs.It wasn't long before nipples mysteriously appeared on them. A small goldfish tank got added and shark books were put on display.
We watched Jaws and laughed at the special effects and spent hours on the Discovery channel, learning about  sharks and other sea monsters.

Kieron educated me in the history of sharks and how they have been around for millions of years.

Last October, I went diving with sharks and sewed Kieron's baby teeth into my swimsuit so that he could dive with me.It was claustrophobic and I kept breathing wrong, so swallowed water and had a panic attack under water but Kieron wanted to dive with sharks one day and now he has. He's dived with great whites, sand tiger sharks, nurse sharks and manta rays. He's seen sharks mating and I smiled through my underwater tears at the comments I could hear in my head...'look mum, they've got 2 willies!!!'

Fat Cat

Kieron's cat, Molly is a little on the large side. A fat, heavy ball of black/brown fur, which is very similar in colour to Kieron's hair. When we got her, Kieron wouldn't leave her alone and right from the start, she took over his bunk bed. Kieron was just 9 years old and fully confident in his kitten-rearing abilities. How to raise a cat according to Kieron:
Let her spend most of her time tucked inside your boxers, with her head and front paws poking over the top.
When she gets bored with this, cradle her like a baby.
To keep her amused, spin round with her in your arms...when mum says stop, inform ignorant mother that 'it's ok, she likes it'.
Carry her round on your chest, with front paws on each of your shoulders.
Throw paper for her and train her in the art of returning it to be thrown again (just don't tell her that she's NOT a dog).
Kieron and Molly were practically inseparable. They sat on the shed roof together, they played in the garden, Kieron kept singing 'you are so beautiful' to her from the Bernard Matthews advert.
They still are inseparable: Molly spends a lot of the day lying in Kieron's room or next to his photos in the lounge and at night she lies on the otherwise empty pillow on the side of my bed Kieron preferred.
Since the accident, Molly has lost weight and often seems to wander aimlessly, looking for her buddy. She looks sad too, so I pick her up and spin her round. I cradle her as Kieron did, I put her paws on each of my shoulders. I carry her up to my room at night so that she knows she's allowed on my bed, on Kieron's side.
I frequently wake in the night and see Molly and for just a millisecond, I think it's Kieron's dark tousled hair  on the pillow.

If only..........................

Bacon rolls

Exactly a year ago today, Kieron and I went for a walk on the beach. I took my camera (thank God) and Kieron laughingly called our walk 'a photo op'. Sometimes, we would take the same route with Kieron on his bike, but this time we decided to walk.
We live near the beach anyway, but decided to be lazy and drive to the beach and walk along the promenade.
On the cliff top is a meandering walkway of grassy slopes and Kieron pushed his way through the bushes surrounding the 'maze', while I took the sensible route. Kieron ran up and down the grassy slopes, occasionally deciding to slide down on his bum as it was delightfully muddy and slippery. We took pictures of each other and headed down to the promenade.
We walked down a slope, with a railing at the end and I tried to sit on it and go upside down. Kieron was a bundle of laughter as I tried and gave up, before he showed me how it's done.
I was taking a photo of Kieron, with the sea as a backdrop,when a sweet lady offered to take one of both of us. I am so glad she did as this is the last photo of us together.
We walked along. Kieron getting confused and thinking he was a dog, as he ran ahead and turned back, before running ahead again. We wrote on walls with chalk and giggled at the ruder chalky postings.
Every time there was a bollard in the way, Kieron leapfrogged over it. An action that never ceased to annoy his older brother when he was out with us as it embarrassed him for some reason. I kept telling Kieron to be careful as I was worried that he would misjudge it and fall and hurt himself.
Halfway through our walk, I decided that we would stop and get a bacon roll for Kieron at the beach cafe. Our usual cafe was closed so we headed off to the next bay to the cafe there for sustenance, deciding to sit outside as it was such a beautiful day.
Kieron loves bacon, but not bacon fat, unless it's extra crispy, so as I ordered, he checked to make sure that I had ordered a CRISPY bacon roll along with his hot chocolate.
Food arrived, was bitten into and immediately the roll was opened up and inspected.
'Mum, it's fatty' came the howl of dismay before asking me to sort it out by pulling out the offending fat.
So. tummy full of fatless bacon and hot chocolate we headed back to the car.
As we walked along and talked about the hugely important topics in Kieron's world, we came along a pile of dog poo. Yes, Kieron had to stare at it and was fascinated by it's perfect shape. He grabbed the camera and took a photo of it..'That can be my profile pic on facebook' he stated with the earnestness that comes with age. 'Hmm, do you think that's sensible?' I queried even though I knew that to a 10 year old boy, it was completely sensible. I was given one of those 'oh mum' looks of which Kieron is a master.
To get from the promenade to the cliff top, we could either climb a gentle but long slope or a multitude of steps. Kieron decided to take the steps and ended up helping me by pulling me along and laughing that I was getting old, before running ahead again to beat me to the car.
When we got home, Kieron ran indoors shouting out to his brother that he had eaten a bacon roll and seen the 'most awesome pile of dog poo ever'. He looked at the photo with admiration and giggles, a typical, perfect little boy. My perfect little boy, even though he is obsessed by dog poo.