Another New Year's Eve

I've never been much of a New Year's Eve person. Although when I was  teenager, I used to go out with friends and stagger home in the early hours knowing that I would suffer for it in the morning. Once the children started to come along, it became a matter of forcing myself to stay awake, so that we could all see in the New Year together.

New Year's Eve 1999, the last night before the start of a new millennium: Callum, Kieron and I were all struck down in a violent flu epidemic, with only Jade remaining well and she looked after us all. She was only just 10, Callum was 5 1/2 and Kieron just 6 months. I slept in Callum's bed to cuddle him through the night, with Kieron lying beside me, whimpering and constantly needing to be comfort breast-fed. I remember wishing that the fireworks would stop as I felt so ill and I didn't want the children to be woken up.

New Years after that remained quiet, until 2005. We had a party and ended up doing the conga down the street....2 little boys clinging onto the adults and the neighbours coming out of their houses to watch.

2009 was the best yet: getting tipsy with my neighbour and letting off party poppers outside with Kieron running up and down cheering us on while dressed in pyjamas, dressing gown and socks. A night that he should remember forever.

Tonight I sit indoors alone. Jade has gone to a pub and Callum is at a party. I should have a teenager still in the house with me. Instead I sit with my memories and the knowledge that for me, tonight is a new millennium: 1000 days and nights without my little boy.

And it all starts again

Today is the last day of November......which means that tomorrow is the 1st of December and my house becomes a haven of Christmas trees, Victorian style greenery and decorations and all put together with assistance from Kieron.

First task is to get in the loft and Kieron scrambles into the back of it where there is a drop down into the lower part. He has a crash mat there: in reality it's a seat cushion from an old settee but it helps to break the fall as he throws himself head first into the depths. All the Christmas decorations are stored here, along with Jade's little girl party dresses and both boys' baby clothes. Cot sheets and blankets, teddy bears, dolls, kiddy books, videos. All the paraphernalia of babyhood and early childhood. Memories of my parents and grandparents are also stored here as are a few of my old baby toys and my own baby book.

Kieron tends to get a bit sidetracked and tries to rescue some of the old stuff and occasionally he wins. I lean into the mouth of the lower loft and Kieron passes out trees, decorations and assorted Christmassy bits.

Kieron then climbs down the loft ladder while I pass boxes, bags and trees down to him and we struggle downstairs with it all.

Lamp tables in the lounge get moved to make way for the largest tree, plants make room in the conservatory for the medium tree and the kitchen worktop has a space cleared for the smallest tree.

As Kieron passes beads, baubles and cherubs, the cats play with this amazing new stash of cat toys. We laugh as they chase baubles under the furniture and have Christmas songs full blast. We take a break and Kieron makes me a coffee and a sandwich for himself which he eats on the settee amongst greenery and candles, watching me and giving advice on what to put where.

The leftover decorations are quickly gathered together and Kieron takes them up to his room where he has his own tree to decorate. Christmas has begun.

Tomorrow, I'll go into the loft and collect everything necessary from the main part of the loft as I have no little stunt man helper to leap onto a crash mat. I have no little helper to help me carry things. I have no little helper to offer advice. I have no Christmas.

My Little Bodyguard

Kieron always looks out for other people. Whether it's family or friends, he's there to take care of them. When he was around 6 months old he went to a childminder as I had no financial choice but to have returned to work. Tandy was great....a second mum to my precious baby boy. Kieron went to Tandy's for years, although once he was toddling, my Dad also shared in the childcare. One of the other children at Tandy's was a beautiful little girl called Kadeisha. Although they were a similar age when Kadeisha started there ( about 3), Kieron always played her games and gave her cuddles. He looked out for her because she's a girl and needed to be kept safe.

If I am  unwell or even just tired, Kieron  tucks me up with a fleecy throw on the settee and smooths my forehead. When he thinks that I'm  asleep he sits and watches TV and if he leaves the room, I always get a gentle kiss on the top of my head. He offers to make me coffee and sorts out a sandwich for his lunch. If Jade's ill, Kieron pushes get well notes and pictures under her bedroom door and once, when she had severe neuralgia and I had to get her some emergency Oramorph form our local hospital, he sat with her until I returned, not leaving her for a moment. If Callum's ill, Kieron sits and watches films of Callum's choice with him and fetches food and drinks for him.

Visiting my elderly aunt, Kieron is always ready to do any little jobs for her. When she was more mobile, he would help her to pick flowers to arrange for the chapel in the elderly community that she lives in and  always asks if there is anything else that she needs help with as he recognises that she cant do as much as she used to.

When my Dad was alive, Kieron would help him to get shopping and picked up all the things needed on low shelves as well as helping to put the shopping on the checkout and carry it to the car.

So last night, when I was stuck in the middle of a nightmare in which I was being attacked and couldn't get away, Kieron came along and took me on a train ride out of the nightmare. It was a miniature train and Kieron kept telling me that it was one that his Grandad likes to go on. Last night I spent time with my son. My little bodyguard.

Party Plans

There's going to be a party...the only thing I don't know is when and I'm also not overly sure of where either.

What I do know is that there are going to be four V.I.P guests: Jade, Callum, Kieron and me.

The table will be laden with everyone's favourite food: chicken Korma, mushroom Stroganoff, fajitas and Betty Crocker chocolate cake for Jade. Kentucky Fried Chicken, risotto, pancakes, strawberry cheescake and Orios for Callum. Pancakes, pasta, scrambled eggs, bacon, rice, profiteroles and Slush Puppies for Kieron. Me: just watching my children will be enough of a feast for me.

There's going to be silly string, water fights, balloons to jump on, a bouncy castle and a snow machine so that we can make snowmen.

After everyone's eaten, my mum and dad will turn up and bring us up to date with everyone's exploits and there will be chrysanthemums for my mum and Mars bars for my dad as well as my eternal gratitude for looking after Kieron for us.

More guests will arrive: my grandparents, Callums's other grandparents, two former boyfriends of mine from my teens and twenties, friends of my dad who my kids knew, Jade's french godfather...the list could go on for ages.

So, I don't know when or exactly where this amazing party will be, but I can't wait.

School Uniform

The school summer holidays are nearly over and mums everywhere are buying new school uniform for the start of the next academic year.

Kieron has always been very fussy about what he wears to school: Callum preferred black school trousers, so of course black is Kieron's choice and before long, most of his friends were copying him, instead wearing the generalised grey trousers. Kieron's school had Jade green sweatshirts when Kieron first started so there was no choice, but as soon as they brought fleeces out with a zip front  Kieron decided that he wanted one of these instead. He gravitated over the next couple of years between sweatshirts and fleeces....the positives of a sweatshirt being that the cuffs are nice to chew...no fluffy bits and as all of Kieron's long-sleeved tops have chewed cuffs, need I say more. However, fleeces have pockets in which to hide all manner of things, from woodlice to conkers to rubbers.

Kieron also decided that he didn't like the standard white polo shirts as soon as Callum started to wear short-sleeve cotton shirts. Black socks because they were Callum's choice; loafers because Callum chose those...the list goes on.

Kieron was due to start Grammar School and was looking forward to wearing a tie and blazer and we'd already decided to make a uniform shopping day into a real outing.

Summer 2010, I went and bought Kieron the blazer to put in his bedroom. It was and never will be worn.

Sunny Days

So the school summer holidays have descended on us again. along with the sunshine at last.
Lazy days sent on the beach from early morning until dusk.
Kieron sliding over the rocks looking for crabs and starfish in the rock pools, with me constantly watching for his black and red shorts before being resented with the treasures that he's found. I dutifully admire the hermit crabs and shrimps before Kieron releases them back into the sea.

As the tide turns and makes it's way up the beach, Kieron and I get the body boards and lay 'basking sharks'. The object of this is I'm the shark, trying to grab Kieron as he squeals in mock horror and tries to escape, amid much splashing and giggling. until Kieron eventually tips me off the body board and I go underwater.

We play until Kieron starts to shiver and the requests for an ice cream start. Kieron goes to the shop and deliberates over what to have, eventually choosing one each and then halfway through eating it, swaps with me.

We stay until the beach is empty apart for the dog walkers before de-sanding and heading home, sun burnt, disheveled and happy.

I don't go to the beach anymore.

Kieron's Birthday 2012

Today is Kieron's birthday.

Today he should have become a teenager and REALLY started pushing the boundaries.
Today he should have been opening presents....probably a new phone, XBox games, DVDs, the list goes on.
Today he should have stuffed down birthday cake and the meal of his choice with the friends of his choice.
Today he should have had cards along the mantelpiece and left the envelopes on the floor
Today he should have told me that he's not a little kid anymore.

Today he should have been here.

Callum's 18th Birthday

Today, Kieron's big brother, hero, person on a pedestal and sparring partner is 18. Legally an adult.

Kieron loves Callum's birthdays because it means new XBox games to discover together and party tea with my aunt who is dearly loved and highly respected by all of my kids. It's always been Kieron in later years who has jumped on Callum's bed to wake him up and shout 'Happy Birthday' at the top of his voice. It means a shopping trip with both boys as Kieron advises Callum on how to spend any birthday money and a little extra pocket money for Kieron so that he doesn't feel too left out.

It also means planning a party in the earlier years, with Kieron being allowed to have a friend present (usually Lewis, who is the youngest of 3 boys so understands the vagaries of being a little brother) and an outing as Callum became 'too old' for parties. Everything having to be planned before half term and any invites to be sent out before the school holiday as Callum's birthday falls just after the kids go back to school.

It means peace and quiet while the boys play the new games and time for me to reflect on Callum's birth and his babyhood.

It means a growing awareness of Callum's increasing maturity and independence and a recognition of his achievements.

Today, it has meant a reinforcement of the huge gap in our lives: my aunt is unwell so hasn't been able to join us and although there were four of us sitting down to eat Callum's choice of a take-away, the numbers were all wrong. Instead of Kieron, there was Callum's girlfriend and also Jade's long-term partner was missing, since their separation late last year. It meant a hurried meal that felt so wrong.

Tonight, instead of excited boys, I sit alone. Callum and Molly have gone out to celebrate. Jade has gone out with her best friend. I sit with loneliness as my companion.

Tandy

I had to go back to work when Kieron was just 4 months old as financially it would have been impossible to survive on basic maternity pay. I found a childminder who had been recommended to me but after a few weeks she decided to give up childminding and recommended a lady called Tandy.

I went to meet her and was impressed at how she related to Kieron so decided to try her. She lived just round the corner from us and had no problem with Kieron being dropped off at 7.30 most mornings.

Tandy was an absolute star....she happily gave Kieron my expressed breast milk, pureed food for him, giving him the same meals as she gave her own young children. Took him on the same outings, played with him as much as with her own children and treated him as a member of her family. Tandy and I became close friends and socialised together, laughed together and confided in each other.

As Kieron got older, Tandy took Kieron on the school run as her youngest two had started going and introduced Kieron to the school that would eventually become his school.

Kieron loved going to Tandys....he became firm friends with her children and on occasion her daughters would babysit for me too. Tandy had a huge garden with climbing frames and paddling pool and enough room for Kieron to run around and tire himself out.

Tandy eventually moved house and by then, I'd changed jobs and Kieron was going to his after school club, but if I was stuck she was always ready to help out. It was Tandy who looked after Kieron on the day of my dad's funeral and it was Tandy who took Kieron on his first open top bus trip.

Tandy ended up moving to Canada and now lives in America, bu recently her oldest daughter added me on facebook.

Yesterday her daughter posted 3 photos of Kieron that I had not seen before and the huge grin on Kieron's face and the sparkle in his eyes as he's snuggled up on the settee with the other children is a fitting testimony to the love and care he received.

Thank you Tandy xxxxxx

Bugs and other creepy crawlies

Kieron likes bugs....woodlice, ants, ladybirds, butterflies, dragonflies.....the list goes on and on.

When I was little, there were two paving stones in my parents garden path that were broken and as the path was the original Victorian one, they were also loose. I loved to lift these stones and pick up the wood lice underneath. When Kieron was 3, I inherited the house and I showed Kieron the stones, carefully lifting them up so that he could see for himself the wealth of woodlice and beetles underneath.

This soon progressed to making bug houses: piercing holes in jam jars, putting in grass and leaves to make beds and provide food, adding drops of water so the bugs wouldn't get thirsty. The bugs were allowed to stay in the jar in Kieron and Callum's room overnight and were then released back into the garden.

When we re-landscaped the garden, I fought to retain the Victorian path. One reason was its charm, the other reason was the woodlice. Unfortunately, I was over-ruled, mainly because the path was a trip hazard and two little boys kept falling over the broken slabs.

So, new path, new garden. Time to find a new supply of woodlice. In the interim, ants became the objects of Kieron's fascination and they too had houses made from jars. What Kieron didn't consider was that ants are tiny and easily escaped through the air holes in the lids and a frantic search would ensue looking for Alfie or whichever ant had vanished.

Kieron also chases me and his sister round the garden with worms, threatening to throw them at us before being side tracked by being shown the butterflies swarming around the buddleia and the dragon fly that kept returning to the clematis.

We had ant races ( which took some time as they kept slipping down cracks between the new paving stones), slug hunts and sang to ladybirds, telling them to go home. We rescued bees that flew into the house and even tried to stroke the slumbering ones.

I bought Kieron a bug magnifier so that he could investigate them more easily, before letting them go to live another day and a microscope so that he could be a biologist with the dead bugs.

Kieron was fascinated when we were on holiday and there was a dragonfly in the swimming pool, trying to rescue his sister from it as she was "a girl" and scared of it.

Kieron rescued a slow worm which he then put in the shade at school, because he knew it would die if left out in the sun on a hot day, but then got into a fight with one of his class mates who put the slow worm back in the sun. That was an interesting visit to his head teacher after school. Trying to explain to the teacher that I fully supported Kieron as although it was 'only' a worm, it had rights and was being tortured by this other boy.

Spiders were taken into school after being discovered in hedges on the walk to school,  tucked inside Kieron's sleeves and shown to the girls in his class who shrieked in mock fear, leading to me telling him off whilst trying not to smile at the sheer wonderfulness that makes up Kieron.

So why was a little boy who has so much love for even the tiniest living creature and so determined to prevent them from being harmed, taken from those who love him so much?

Wedding Party

Two years ago I went to a close friend's wedding reception.

During the morning, I went to our local shopping centre, looking for something to wear, leaving Callum to babysit, as this is how he earns most of his pocket money. I rang Kieron while I was out, to make sure he was being good and not winding up his big brother, before giving up and going home, to get lunch sorted for the boys before heading off to the reception.

Kieron could have come with me, but how many 10 year old boys want to go to this type of event? My friend had all sorts of goodies to eat and I remember telling my work mates who were also there that I should have coerced Kieron into coming along. Before I headed home, I grabbed a fistful of little chocolates that had my friend and her husbands name and date of the wedding on the wrappers and dutifully took them home for Kieron to munch.

Kieron asked me what the 'party' was like and tried to appear interested, but I know that it was only because he wanted to show gratitude for the chocolates. I asked what he had been up to and if Callum had looked after him properly. Kieron was looking forward to the following couple of weeks as it was the school Easter holidays and then I had arranged to take him out of school for a week to take him to Tunisia with Jade and her best friend, with Callum deciding that he would prefer to spend the week at his dad's house as he was 'getting too old ( read cool)' for family holidays.

I told him that I expected him to be good for his brother and sister the following day and the rest of the week as I had to go to work and he promised that he would, although I took this with a pinch of salt. I asked Kieron to tidy his room up for me, knowing full well that he would 'forget' and that I would have to ring him during the day to remind him.

At work the next day, I did ring Kieron a couple of times and he told me that he would be good and 'yeah, yeah, I'll sort my room'. We chatted briefly and he told me that he had been playing computer games and that Jade had been in all day too.

So my work day ended, I went home, and my world ended.

Mother's Day again

So it's rolled around again.....the day of flowers, chocolates and no housework. In Kieron's world it means daffodils clutched in a sweaty hand brought home from school or occasionally a potted primrose. A present bought at school for a pound that's usually borrowed from Jade and a box of chocolates bought with pocket money and again any shortfall made up by Jade.

My chocolates....Kieron eats half of them. A few years ago, a friend and I went on a spa day. To be totally honest, after a few hours I got fidgety. I'm not used to sitting around and doing nothing but wander from one treatment to the next. But the spa idea caught on with Kieron and he often offers to give me a spa. Translated, this means a foot rub as when he asked me what I did at the spa, I had to explain what a pedicure was. Whether I'm sitting on the settee or sunbathing in the garden, I'm generally guaranteed a foot rub.

Kieron is very tactile. Every day involves loads of cuddles and frequent touches when we pass each other. Kieron likes to make physical contact and some of our most precious moments are on non-school days, when a knock on the wall connecting our bedrooms tells him I'm awake and he runs in for a cuddle. Often, Kieron dozes off again, leaving me with a squashed left arm around his shoulders and little boy legs thrown over me.

So, as last year, I knocked on the wall and waited. And waited. And cried.

Eating Out

Last night I took Jade and Callum to our local carvery as I just didn't feel like cooking. Taking the kids out for a meal was something I used to do quite often as it gave me a break and also gave all of us quality time together.

For Kieron, eating out means a couple of things: yummy desserts and the chance to dodge anything green. Food in Kieron's world is best if it's white.....pasta, pancakes, rice,  mashed potatoes, chicken, noodles, bread. Some other colour foods are ok.....eggs, bacon, lime marmalade, Korma. Jade and Callum have always been good with food and prepared to try anything new. Kieron looks fearfully at anything strange and dry heaves before it even reaches his mouth, grimacing as he puts it in his mouth before hurriedly coughing it back out again. I soon learnt to grate carrot into cottage pies and Bolognese, make orange mashed potatoes with the cunning secret ingredient of swede and any number of sly ways to up Kierons vegetable intake.

Junk food is a totally different story. For some reason, any colour goes if its full of sugar, salt, fats and other equally unhealthy ingredients.  Fruit is ok, as long as it isn't red and soft. Kieron can happily munch satsumas and bananas until I tell him to stop.

Kieron's favourite place is Cosmo. An 'all you can eat' Chinese restaurant with a non-stop supply of rice and profiteroles. Kieron always gets a plateful of rice, noodles and chicken dippers (they cater for fussy kids too), follows it up with a dish of profiteroles dipped under the chocolate fountain and then decides that actually, he wants rice and noodles again, before going back to the profiteroles.

Kieron's last 2 birthdays were spent at Cosmo, with his best friend Lewis competing to see how many profiteroles they could eat, while I waited anxiously for one or both to start being sick.

 
So last night, with an empty chair opposite me, we ate out. I won't be in a hurry to repeat it.

Another Birthday (again)

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. He would have been 90. He died in March 2003 and left me half a house, a car, money hidden around the house and a mum with Alzheimer's Disease. He also left behind three grandchildren who couldn't comprehend that Grandad was gone.

Three and a half year old Kieron was in my car with me, dropping his older brother off at school when my ever-caring, eventually to become ex-husband sent me a text to say that my parents' neighbour had phoned to say that there was a problem at my parents house and by the way, my dad was dead.

I went straight round to see paramedics and police in the road and my dad in his car, covered with a blanket and gone. Kieron was taken in by the neighbours while I tried to explain to my mum what had happened and that I would look after her now. Eventually I took mum back to my house and Kieron chattered away to her, not really sure why she was in my house and his Grandad wasn't. So I held him and explained that his Grandad was old and poorly and had gone to baby Jesus.

Kieron kept me sane that day and in the days to follow. His loving behaviour was there for me, mum, Jade and Callum even though he too was suffering. But children that age just can't understand that forever really is forever. Kieron and my dad were close. Really close. 78 years difference in age yet best of friends and partners in crime. It was my dad who got Kieron dry at night as he loved to babysit and worked on the basis that he'll only wet the bed a couple of times before he learns. In reality, my dad just couldn't cope with nappies, convinced that they were too tight if done up properly.

It was my dad who taught Kieron how to use hand drills and spanners, how to play Frustration, how to use ink stamps. He did this with all of my children, but Kieron was given that little bit more. There was no favouritism, but maybe my dad saw a little of his youngest sister in Kieron. His little sister who died when she was 3 and had dark hair and eyes like him too.

It was my dad who came to get me when I started bleeding part way through my pregnancy and my dad who kicked in the door to pediatrics when Kieron was admitted to hospital with septicemia when he was 11 months old and he couldn't work out the entry system. All he knew was that his only child was in there with his youngest grandson and we needed him and a silly door wasn't going to stop him.

It was my dad who cared for my mum, refusing help from me as he was too proud to admit defeat and my dad who held all of my children as if they were made of glass.

A good man. A great man. Loved by us all, but he was Kieron's best mate. Yet oddly enough, I don't have a single photo of them together. That's sad.

Family Car

Kieron and our car go hand-in-hand: during the summer, the boot is permanently full of beach stuff.....2 body boards( both Kieron's, but I'm allowed to use one), buckets, spades, 2 loungers (both mine, but Kieron's allowed to use one), windbreaks, sun block,wooden mallet, football, cricket gear, rubber ring...and SAND. Lots and lots of sand.

Other times, Kieron carries around his bike, old trainers, books, pens, notepad, pencils,sweet wrappers, empty bottles...another seemingly endless list.

Stains on the seats from spilled drinks, grubby fingers, trainer marks behind the front seats, crumbs and more wrappers in the front seat pockets, Chewits trodden into the car mats, finger mark drawings through mist on the windows and still visible when the windows mist over again.

Admonishments to do up seat belt, wind up window, leave the drinks holder alone, stop fiddling with the air con, heater  and other switches, to stop licking the sun visor mirror...more lists.

My requests to reach my handbag, to climb into the back, to pass my phone...another list.

Playing games on my phone while we sit in the car waiting for the school gates to open.

Kieron growing more independent and walking to the car in one of two learned parking places instead of me waiting at the school gates, and looking to see if I'd saved him my last Polo.


School run, shopping trips, going to the airport, dropping off/picking up from friends houses, after school club, parties, winter trips to beach cafe for bacon rolls. So many memories held within a few tons of metal.

And yesterday that particular memory bank went to the breakers: beyond repair, irreplaceable, much-loved. Apiece of metal? No...the extra family member.

The Big 50

Two days ago it was my 50th birthday. Two years ago, my daughter and I were discussing what to do to celebrate this and she suggested a party. I didn't fancy this idea and instead I suggested that we took the boys on the trip of a lifetime. Three days in Latvia were my father was born, so that the kids could get a feel for their heritage. This is something which has always been very important to Kieron as he needs to feel a real sense of 'family'.

During this trip, I was planning to take the boys on a firing range, so that they could have a go at firing the guns that they normally only fire via Xbox games. I suppose I was hoping to instill a sense of responsibility and awareness of the power behind weaponry.

Stage two of the trip was to be a week in Russia, which is where my family on my father's side originated from: a little town called Grozny. Cossacks and snow came to mind...being driven in carriages and reliving the grandeur of a bygone age to which we are all, as a family, very closely linked. Wolves snapping at our heels as we flew over the snow and flagons of hot chocolate  a la Narnia.

In February 2009, I flew out to Riga in Latvia to retrace my fathers steps: the hospital where he was born and his first homes. I threw a snippet of his first hair cut into a frozen river and said goodbye, finally accepting that he had gone. Frequently phone calls home met with excited questions from Kieron, wanting to know everything I had done.

So we were due to be there this week. And weren't.

Locked out

I had a phone call at work today from my elder son. He doesn't go to college on Wednesdays, so was under orders to tidy his room. He took rubbish out to the bin  and the front door closed, locking him out. Luckily, one of his friends live round the corner and was in so Callum went there and phoned me to tell me where he was and could stay there until I returned at 6.00.

What we really needed was Kieron....burglar extraordinaire! On a couple of occasions he has gone to the rescue of my neighbour when she has locked herself out in her back garden and has called for Kieron's help: over the 7 feet gate and fence at the back of her house, slide through the fanlight into her conservatory and act like the Milk Tray hero by wrestling with the multitude of locks on her front door before running back through my house and into my garden to tell her that she was saved.

Until Kieron was about 8 he could also fit most of himself through the cat flap in my back door, often making me jump when I saw him poking through the door. He can contort himself into the weirdest positions to get into tight spaces and became quite an expert at scrambling into the boot of my car if the keys were shut inside.

He just couldn't get out the final time.