Callum's 18th Birthday

Today, Kieron's big brother, hero, person on a pedestal and sparring partner is 18. Legally an adult.

Kieron loves Callum's birthdays because it means new XBox games to discover together and party tea with my aunt who is dearly loved and highly respected by all of my kids. It's always been Kieron in later years who has jumped on Callum's bed to wake him up and shout 'Happy Birthday' at the top of his voice. It means a shopping trip with both boys as Kieron advises Callum on how to spend any birthday money and a little extra pocket money for Kieron so that he doesn't feel too left out.

It also means planning a party in the earlier years, with Kieron being allowed to have a friend present (usually Lewis, who is the youngest of 3 boys so understands the vagaries of being a little brother) and an outing as Callum became 'too old' for parties. Everything having to be planned before half term and any invites to be sent out before the school holiday as Callum's birthday falls just after the kids go back to school.

It means peace and quiet while the boys play the new games and time for me to reflect on Callum's birth and his babyhood.

It means a growing awareness of Callum's increasing maturity and independence and a recognition of his achievements.

Today, it has meant a reinforcement of the huge gap in our lives: my aunt is unwell so hasn't been able to join us and although there were four of us sitting down to eat Callum's choice of a take-away, the numbers were all wrong. Instead of Kieron, there was Callum's girlfriend and also Jade's long-term partner was missing, since their separation late last year. It meant a hurried meal that felt so wrong.

Tonight, instead of excited boys, I sit alone. Callum and Molly have gone out to celebrate. Jade has gone out with her best friend. I sit with loneliness as my companion.